SkyMall Magazine – That’s How I Spend My Time on an Airplane.

25

Oct

I really enjoyed my time in Ohio and found a couple of things out about myself. 1. I like talking to large groups of people if I know what I’m talking about. If you know me, you’ve probably seen my face turn from sunkissed tan to beet red at the drop of a hat. This doesn’t just happen when I’m extremely embarrassed, it also happens when 3 or more people are looking at me at the same time waiting for an answer that I don’t have, or whenever my face feels like turning colors. People will say, wow you got sunburned this weekend, what did you do? My response? Nope, if you recall, it was raining this weekend. My face just gets this way sometimes. Naturally, I was kind of nervous that my face would do its thing when I was presenting, but it didn’t. I felt really comfortable in front of everyone and confident in the material that I was presenting. Best of all, I had a lot of fun! I think it’s because I really enjoy helping people and making things easier to understand, and I felt like I was able to do that. I told my mom that I could get used to this traveling and presenting thing. Someone even asked if I just traveled around presenting to our offices. I informed them that this was actually my first time to do something like this. They said, “Wow! You’re really good!” I was excited to hear that. 2. Being alone isn’t so bad. I’ve always been the type of person who likes to do everything with someone else. From going on a walk to grocery shopping, I’ve always said life is more fun when you share it with someone else. I still think that statement is true, but have found that life can still be fun when I’m alone. I have more time to think about things, I get to sing louder in the car, and I can people watch with 100% focus.

Since I didn’t have anyone to talk to on my plane ride from Cincinnati to Dallas, (the lady next to me was asleep and snoring loudly) I decided to browse through the SkyMall magazine placed in the seatback in front of me. One of the first articles I came across caught my attention. It was an article about G-Defy shoes.

Do you see anything wrong in the picture below?

Feel like your defying gravity? Is defying gravity the name of an item that you own? No. The sentence should say “feel like you’re defying gravity!” One of my biggest pet peeves is when people do not know when to use to, too, two, their, there, your or you’re. I thought to myself, “If these people are going to boldly use ‘your’ in the wrong context, surely there are some other things about this article that will amuse me.” I decided to continue observing…

I would like to know who designed this logo. I’d also like to know the group of people who approved it. This logo looks like sperm. I don’t know about you, but I would not sport a shoe with sperm imprinted on the side.

Here, the article talks about the technology of the “Gravity Defyer Shoes.” Please notice that the “s” is capitalized.

Later on in the article, they talk about the pain relief associated with the “G-Defy shoes.” Notice that the “s” is not capitalized. Make up your mind. Is “shoes” part of the name that you copyrighted or not?

Who knew there were so many benefits associated with the “G-Defy” shoes? Not me. Have you ever thought, “Gosh. I’d really like to look like a million dollars. What can I do… what can I do…?” Apparently, you just need to put on a pair of shoes with a sperm logo. Ever wondered what you could do to appear taller? The answer is G-Defy. This shoe relieves ALL pains? No way. Goodbye Aleve, Tylenol and Bayer. All I need is the G-Defy. This shoe is getting better and better by the second.

Not only are you able to fly over the moonlit skyline in your business suit with your briefcase in hand, but the G-Defy shoe has streaks of flames blazing from the sole! I can guarantee that the G-Defy shoes will not be the only thing flaming if you put these on your feet.

Great news for the overweight? I don’t know, you tell me. Why in the world is this a question?

I thought it was comical that they said, “Feel the drive, the inspiration, the energy rush as soon as you slip your feet into the cockpit of the most exhilirating shoes in the world! Go from the weekend warrior to the daily champion at your gym and on the street.” That’s a bold and exciting statement. The G-Defy article was so great, that I had to continue to browse through the SkyMall magazine. The suspense I felt when turning the page was too great…

“Listen closely and look me in the eye. Keep misbehaving and we’ll send you to this little island right here. Do you understand?”

Who wouldn’t want to turn off the lights in their bathroom and have a party in the shower? With the option of having three interchanging colors for $49.99, or seven colors for $59.99, I say go big or go home. I’ll go with seven colors, please.

This is a litter box for your cat. Please note that there is a special bay window that provides additional space and light. What cat in its right mind would sit in its poop to peer out a bay window at the object that could easily be seen up close and personal if the cat just stepped out of the the litter box?

I understand the santa, snowflake, snowman and dove, but a carousel? This may just be me, but if I was drawing the things that came to mind when I thought of Christmas, I would not draw a carousel.

I hate to break it to you, buddy, but this is not flattering. You do not look sexy and even though you are supporting your pondering mind with your fist, you definitely do not look sophisticated.

Makers of G-Defy, you have outdone yourselves. This article is for another shoe that puts a spring in your step while giving you more energy, but is geared towards the businessmen of the world. This part of the article says, “Wearing Gravity Defyer Shoes (capital “s”) you’ll look like a distinguished gentlman from the cover story of a quality men’s magazine while being propelled into a more active lifestyle filled with luxury and comfort.” Hmm… You’ll see below this statement, two of the eight shoes they are offering to those who want to look like a “distinguished gentleman from the cover story of a quality men’s magazine.” No where in this article does it mention that these shoes are for women. So why in the world are you selling the flashy Single Spring Turbo shoe, below?

If I ever saw a man wearing the Single Spring Turbo, “distinguished” would be last word to come to my mind.

Agreed. Personal safety does start with taser. This item has been added to my Christmas list.

This gorilla is too great to leave in the garden. He deserves to be an indoor statue and I know exactly where I would put him if someone so graciously gifted me with him. If I had a guest bathroom, I would put him right in front of the toilet. It would be great. Guests would walk in and be amazed. Please remember this post should I move into a house and invite you to my house warming party. Thank you.

Once a cheater always a cheater. This article is for those who would like to advance their career without doing any of the work. Basically, you receive a Cliffnotes version of the book your boss asked you to read. 360 Leader? Check. Good to Great? Check. With the “personal reader,” you will surpass great and go from good to freaking awesome to president of the company! The article says that the “personal reader” is similar to a personal trainer. Except for the fact that your personal trainer doesn’t work out for you and you still have to do all of the work. The “personal reader” is more like the smart kid you paid $100 to write your Government mid-year essay your senior year of college.

Something is wrong with this picture. Where is the guy that brought this woman a rose and placed rose petals on the floor that led all the way to the Comfort-U Pillow that she is sleeping on? Men: Do not buy this pillow for your girlfriend or wife in hopes of having a romantic night with her. Apparently, the Comfort-U Pillow will destroy your plans and put her right to sleep.

Can’t play the guitar, but still want to impress the ladies? No worries! With the E-Z Chord Kit, you can play the guitar with the push of a button! WARNING TO ALL MEN: If you have to resort to buying the E-Z Chord Kit, please spare yourself the embarrassment and find another hobby. I promise you, you will not be cool if you have the E-Z Chord Kit for your guitar.

LOST BALLS: Great Holes, Tough Shots, and Bad Lies captures the funniest, most unexpected images that golfers will love. In my opinion, this sounds like it could be the title of another book.

For those of you who feel insecure when sleeping, the DreamSack is for you! With the DreamSack, you can “sleep with confidence and comfort anywhere in the world!”

I thought it was humorous that the makers of this item would differentiate it from other blankets or Snuggies by calling it a cape. I don’t know about you, but I would much rather have a cape than a boring blanket.

Finally, I can wrap a husky around my neck without having to worry about it biting me.

The ShapeUp Pads was the only item in the SkyMall magazine that appealed to me. I guarantee you that this will be item #1 on my Christmas list this year. No joke.

“Have you ever wanted to make or receive a phone call underwater?” Are you freaking kidding me? If you have the desire to talk on the phone while scuba diving, you need to seek help and get a life.

And that, my friends, is what happens when I have 2 1/2 hours by myself, on a plane, with no one to talk to and no music to listen to.

15 years ago Short URL 6 Comments